Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The Pain of Loss

A Dear couple lost their baby yesterday that she carried for 23 weeks. Today she would have been 24 weeks and she was induced into labor today. As I sat here thinking of my friends and their devastating and deeply painful loss of their baby girl. I cannot help, but think of my own losses and am so relating to their pain right now and how it's devastating to them to endure this kind of pain in losing their first child. It is such a pain no one woman ever forgets.

Most people who know me may or may not know that I lost three singleton pregnancies 2002, 2003, and 2009. I also suffered a loss of twin girls in 2008 in this same month of May a few days before mother's day. Thinking of my own great pain, I feel and know their pain and the deepness of it , which is what no words can describe. My friends must feel no true comfort outside of Hashem right now. Nothing can ever ease or erase such pain and loss.

I remember reading Chana's prayer when I lost my twins, pouring my heart out as Chana had, asking Hashem for comfort. And I did find some comfort. Not because the pain was lessened or the loss was any different, but because I realized, there are no answers, but there is always prayer. There is prayer wherever there is  Chana.

Chana stands for the 3 Mitzvos of a women. "Chet" for "Challah (baking the holiday bread)", "Nun" for "Niddah (the Jewish Laws of Family Purity)", and "Hey" for "Hadlakot Haneirot (lighting the Sabbath candles)". In Chana's name, she shows us the 3 auspicious times for a women to pray. When she makes Challah, when she goes to the Mikvah, and when she lights the Shabbos candles.
The loss of a child, be it early on or late in pregnancy, is something so beyond our understanding. The pain is so real, so deep, and yet there is so very little to ease it, The pain is never forgotten, not lessens over time or ever leaves us. This is especially true for my friends today because they lost their first child. The pain of holding their still born daughter and letting her go is beyond words.

  I do know when all the hurt, anger, bitterness and despair, fills me that is precisely when I feel there is no where to turn- but to Hashem. The loss is so way beyond the comfort of friends or anything physical. And that's what made me realize, I need to turn to something greater than myself, greater than this world, because that is the only place I can find comfort. No-one, not even our parents, or our spouses, know the pain in our hearts as the child's mother. But Hashem, our creator, knows it all.

This Shabbas I will be lighting our Shabbos candles for this couple and pray in the memory of their baby girl. I'm praying Hashem will bring them comfort and great peace in Him.

Baruch Dayan Emes

"Now Hannah, she spoke in her heart." (I Shmuel 1:13) R. Eleazar said in the name of R. Jose b. Zimra: She spoke concerning her heart. She said before Him: Sovereign of the Universe, among all the things that You have created in a woman, You have not created one without a purpose: eyes to see, ears to hear, a nose to smell, a mouth to speak, hands to do work, legs to walk with, breasts to nurse. These breasts that You have put on my heart, are they not to nurse? Give me a son, so that I may nurse with them. (Brachot 31b)